Whirls of a confused soul

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Who ever told you that we have absolute freedom lied, We don’t. We never chose to be born, we never chose our families, it just happened without our consent.

As I try to reflect back on this amazing opportunity I just missed out, I wonder if I missed it because I wasn’t good enough or my race or if it wasn’t meant to be. Am angry at myself wishing I had done better, but as I replay the scenes in my head there is nothing more I would have done.

Life sucks, everything around me feels like its crumbling. Trying to hold onto the little sanity, but that feels like its fading. I stare at these plain walls, wishing they could talk to me, but all I get is the sweet sound of silence which rather stinks at the moment. I keep hearing voices of my other self laughing at me. Lost in this world I call home, frightened that everything I touch just falls to waste soon or later.

Who am I, honestly, I don’t even know the answer to that question. I have redefined myself several times that I can’t seem to figure it out anymore. Though one thing is for certain, am a child of God. I know when we hit walls along the way we tend to get mad at God for several reasons like He didn’t answer my prayers or that I sowed but He didn’t let it reap.

No, am not even close to being mad because without him several things would be wrong in my life, just because he hasn’t delivered on the several things we have asked for doesn’t mean that he hasn’t been there for us on other occasions. We may be broken, but he will fix us, we may be sinners, but he will make us better children, we may not always get what we pray for but he’s a patient God. Let’s give everything time.

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Locked in Silence

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This ain’t about me, this is about that brother who is terrified of his demons. Too scared to write or talk about them. He lays in his bed at night weeping not knowing what to do next, wondering why his life is the way it is. Cursing at the mere thought of his creation, contemplating suicide because his life doesn’t seem worthy.

He tosses and turns all night because the love of his life got cancer and there is nothing he can do as she fights for her life. The doctor said the possibility of her living is 10 – 90. Too afraid to face the fact, he breaks down in tears each day. Sleep and food is something he cant afford anymore. He cant talk to his family about it cause they don’t see the beauty he sees in her. His friends alienated him because they deemed his girl not worthy.

Enraged, hurt and baffled, he contemplates suicide each passing day. His laughing stock too many because his skinny and everyone seems to think his sick.

Lost in his world he turns to God and there is nothing he can say but curse at him for all that has happened in his life, regretting why he was put on this earth to suffer, given strange friends, handed candy only to be denied later. “Why Why Why??” he screams to the heavens as tears roll down his cheeks, wishing God would speak back to him.

Broken, he walks to highway hoping to jump in front of speeding car. Scared but determined, he takes a few trolls forward and waits for the right moment. Amidst his panic, he witnesses an accident which leaves a cyclist’ legs shuttered. Rushing over to help he realizes how lucky he is to still be alive as the cyclist breathes his last.

He may have been baffled, lost and living in worry but he found his voice at the right moment. I may not say what you want to hear but there is light at the end of the tunnel no matter how bad the situation seems. Take courage and face your demons, life is not a walk in the park its filled with bumps, some huger than others. You may blame God for what you going through but as the saying goes, God doesn’t give us battles knowing we won’t triumph. There is greatness within each person you just have to find yours and believe that.

 

Obsession with Florence

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As i sit, i reach for my earphones and wondering what to play, a voice within screams please play me play me, i smile and before i know it am singing along with my horse voice,

A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it’s left me blind”

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I’m always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

I was left in a trance as the lyrics escaped my lips. Its never really about the ballads with Florence, its what she makes me feel. One moment am smiling, next am teary and before i know it am lost in this world where i’m fighting my demons.

Why do i keep going back because this feels like an abusive relationship, one minute you happy the next 30 your a wreck, as in seriously why Walter Why??. I just cant, just can’t give up because at the end of the day dealing with these demons is the only way i come be a victor.

Am tired of being that little terrified child coiled up in a corner wondering whether daddy will throw an insult or will it be the cries of mums broken heart that will play. Am haunted by the horrors of my past, scared of the unknown future. I look at the present give thanks to God because am better person. This world is not my home am only passing through. As much as i believe that, sometimes my theories just cast doubt, i look at the Heavens and try to leave my mess to Him but feels like a force is pulling me beneath trying to shatter my faith. I will do my best i promise, for Jesus is my shepherd. Get on my knees, pray to the Almighty, tears flow not cause of the pain but rather the weight lifted off.

Sometimes i feel like a freak of nature because i used to shut off my emotions, hardly cared about anyone but myself. It sucks i hated myself, had a low self esteem but i guess i just had to go through that faze in order to be a better being.

So why the obsession with Florence, well its cause as much as i wouldn’t want to face my past, my current and the future i have to, because i get to learn from each passing moment, mold myself into a person i would be proud of. So Yaay!! i will always be thankful to that friend who introduced me to Florence and the machine not knowing how much i needed healing. 🙂

 

 

Bitter Fact of Life

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“Life is harsh, you just have to appreciate what it throws at you. Someone out there is probably wishing they had your Life.”

Before i wrote the quote above nothing played in my mind then i realized how lucky i am to have this life, i may not be where i want to be, i may be broke trying so hard to make ends meet but am not broken. Sometimes i whine, beat myself up and curse at the mistakes i make not giving a care in the world why it happened in the first place.

When i get sucked up in this world of thoughts, am slapped with the bitter harshness of life. “You there bitching about this and that, someone out there is looking for food in a rubbish pit hoping to find the next meal, another is in severe pain because the chemo ain’t helping”. Its usually at this point when i realize that am lucky, God is with me and he has plan. No situation in this world is permanent. Appreciate what life throws at you and thank God for your life because someone out there is crying to the Lord begging him to please bless him/her with your life.

Always be kind to the lesser people you never know when they will save you.